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On 'Lactiferous'

June 10, 2013

I read this “article” on Saturday that I can’t seem to get out of my head. I quote “article” because technically, it’s more of a retina-burning slew of words. A slew that I take great joys in sharing with you. You’re welcome. An LA artist by the name of Edwards, Daniel Edwards, has created a sculpture of Kim Kardashian’s naked ‘voluminous belly’ and ‘lactiferous breasts’ in an attempt to change people’s impressions about the female form. His sculpture of her ‘lactiferous’ breasts was created to illustrate that Kim is not in fact, a ‘killer whale’ as previously presumed. Edwards is encouraging people to stop by the exhibit to rub the sculpture’s protruding belly for good luck; as he envisions Kim Kardashian as the Buddha of fertility. So. If you’re trying to get pregnant right now you should probably hop a plane to LA to rub this sculpture’s belly. Or if you are really at the end of your line with only one egg left, I’d suggest you search out Miss K herself to get that lucky fertility rub in before hopping into bed for your last chance at creating your own little bundle. This is free advice here, people. The real golden nugget in this whole shebang though is the phrase ‘lactiferous breasts’. My belief here is that Edwards created this “art project” entirely on the basis of being able to say ‘lactiferous breasts’ in his press release. He was probably lying in bed one morning obsessing over the word ‘lactiferous’, desperately trying to concoct a way to scream this word from the top of the Hollywood sign. And scream it he did. In the depth’s of Kim K’s bosom (which by the way, took Edwards four attempts to get just right. Couldn’t keep his hands off those puppies). Lactiferous: 1: Yielding a milky juice <lactiferous plants> 2: Secreting or conveying milk Marcia Glibreath of Farmington, Arkansas says she was “looking up the word ‘lactiflora’ as regarding peonies to see what it means” and that is how she stumbled upon ‘lactiferous’ on Merriam-Webster So as I was lying in bed the other morning obsessing over the word ‘lactiferous’ (just like Edwards!!) I thought well hey, there must be a way I could scream ‘lactiferous’ from the top of my Hollywood sign (aka my doorstep—not quite as glamorous nor high). Go on, say 'lactiferous' out loud. Repeat it a couple times. 'Lactiferous, lactiferous, lactiferous'. It's fun. I'll wait. Finished? It's a nice word, right? So if plants can be ‘lactiferous’ and breasts can be ‘lactiferous’ then I think desserts can be ‘lactiferous’ too. In all of my years with the cupcake shop, I never made ‘lactiferous’ cupcakes. SERIOUSLY. What boat have I missed?? My first thought was to make some cream filled cupcakes. Boring, right? Then it dawned on me. ‘Lactiferous’ Bosom Bars! Boom. Now we’re talking. I haven’t made them yet. I’m waiting for more inspiration to strike. Maybe when Kim K’s baby is birthed. Then I could pair my ‘Lactiferous’ Bosom Bars with a ‘Dilating Cervix Drink’. Which would be red and served from a funnel. Just let that image marinate for a bit.

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