Please Don't Say That To Me

August 20, 2012

I’ve been collecting a list, a mental list to be exact. I might be the only one with a list like this but in lieu of transcribing my list onto multiple index cards and handing it out to perpetrators (which is what I REALLY want to do) I figured I’d share it with you in hopes that you can relate, and pass it on. We all have bad days or bad moments and usually when these occur I confide my feelings in someone close to me (vicinity type of close). Over time I’ve learned that most people’s immediate response to someone’s bad day is not usually optimally received. How marvelous would it be to hand said entrusted person a list of things NOT to say in response to your bad news? Let’s be honest, you know yourself better than anyone else and you know the sentiments you like to hear and not hear, so you might as well dole out mini scripts for your family and friends to recite. This is a list of things I don’t want to hear when I’m having a bad day. 1. Cheer up. Firstly, don’t give me such blatantly nebulous commands. If I’m not cheery, I have very good reason for being that way and you directing me to be anything different will not change this fact. If you feel such need to use the word “cheer” then how about offering me a bowl of Cherrios? The honey nut variety, preferably. That actually might work. 2. You’ll be ok. Really? I’ll be ok? REALLY? Oh thank god! For a moment there I thought I was literally about to die from my sour mood. Thanks for letting me know that I’ll eventually be ok, Captain Obvious. Can you give me a date and time I’ll be ok by though? 3. It could always be worse. Again, when you don your cape and transform into Captain Obvious, it really doesn’t accomplish much for either of us. This statement is a great feeling-minimizer, if that was your purpose. Knowing that I could’ve been born with one eyeball, 15 fingers, orphaned in a gutter with a family of ants instead of aunts, doesn’t exactly reverse my bad mood. How about telling me it could always be better? Describe to me how much greater my life could’ve been had I been born to a noble family with luxury linens on my bed and a vast landscape of greenery to overlook every morning? The shock of seeing you strip off your obvious cape might lure me down off my ledge. 4. I’m sorry to hear that. Allllrighty, thanks! Thanks for being sorry… now what? I didn’t envision you being HAPPY to hear of my misfortune so you telling me that you’re sorry does not really comfort me. Maybe take out your thesaurus and get a bit more creative with your vernacular? Feel wretched or remorseful or something, at least then you’ll seem to be at a deeper level of sorry. I think the thing that gets my panties (sidenote: I hate this word almost as much as the words kitty and cuddle) in a bind the most is that if I’m choosing you, YOU of all people to confide my sorrows in, I obviously have high regard for you. Take a moment to listen to what I’m saying, show some concern for my feelings, and stop spewing generalized sentiments at my face. So this is fair warning: the next time you ask me what’s wrong and then proceed to respond in a contrived manner, don’t be surprised when you’re met with an index card and a heel pivot. Cupcakes = Life Heather Cupcakes P. S. What things do you hate that people say to you? Go on, get out your frustrations here.

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