My Squirrel is a Dick to Me

September 10, 2012

Today my internal squirrel decided it would be a productive idea to narrate each of my minute failures throughout the day as they occur. This is how swell that’s gone: Awake to alarm blaring at 8:02am (alarms are always set at odd trivial times) and instead of rising, I roll over and hit snooze.
Squirrel: Lazy bag of flesh! It’s 8AM! Wake the hell up already! Half a day has already gone down across the seas!”
Awake at 8:22am to alarm blaring.
Squirrel: Truly, you’re lazier than Daria and her show got canceled.
Stumble out of bed and approach the Keurig to make coffee. Discover an empty box of K-cups. Shake the empty box to confirm that it’s empty.
Squirrel. Seriously, Heather? Seriously? (Gahhhrrrrr!!) You shop at Wegmans EVERY night and you’re OUT of coffee? How could you be so negligent as to run OUT of coffee??!!
Throw on jeans, grab the laundry basket, and search for the detergent only to realize that I’ve left it on the communal washing machine for every tenet to utilize for the second week in a row.
Squirrel: Well isn’t that kind of you? I didn’t realize you were so generous to your neighbors, most of whom you won’t even glance in the eyes while mumbling “hi” in passing. FREE detergent everyone! Rent an apartment in this house because there’s a girl giving out free detergent here! However, if you were REALLY thoughtful you would pass out free cupcakes too. You should always pass out free cupcakes. People expect you to pass out free cupcakes from your trunk at all times. You’re quite the disappointment to the people.
Pull through the Dunkin Donuts drive thru and purchase pumpkin spice k-cups
Squirrel: Oh god, why did you just spend $12 on artificially flavored pumpkin crap? You don’t even LIKE Pumpkin Spice so why are you attempting to shove it down your throat? For the sole reason that it’s fall and only around for a limited time? Ding ding! Give this a girl a prize because she has officially been DD branded.
Arrive home, plop down at the computer, and write, write, write. Clock strikes noon.
Squirrel: You do recognize that it’s noon and all you’ve done is work at the computer all day, right? You haven’t even hit the gym yet. It’s noon. As in, normal people are taking their lunch breaks. You’re sitting in some raggedy oversized hoodie, drinking your third cup of terrible pumpkin spice coffee, and chomping on biscotti. Get your ass to the gym. Pronto.
Amble into the crossfit box, half-assedly complete the WOD, rip inches of skin off my calloused hands, and cart myself back home.
Squirrel: Wow. You worked hard out there today. Nary even breaking a sweat. Champ! Certainly you worked off those pounds. Remember the tight clothes you pulled out of the laundry basket hours ago? Chances are the tightness was not due to the heat of the dryer.
Open a package of processed ham, tearing past the resealable ziplock; at once deeming it no longer resealable.
Squirrel: Prize pig! Now you can’t even reseal your package of ham. You’ve surpassed failure today.
It’s one of those days in which I could run a marathon, win the Nobel Prize, and meet my soulmate yet it still wouldn’t be “enough”. Some might say, “that’s such a defeatist mood, how do you even get anything done like that?” and my reply is more or less to the extent of “I’m used to it”. See, although my internal squirrel is not pleased with my actions thus far today, my propensity is to keep right on going, blowing past his gnawing little isms. Where you view hopelessness I shrug, tell the squirrel to shut up, and carry on with my day. I might end the day feeling as though I didn’t do enough (I almost guarantee this feeling) but that doesn’t stop me from actually DOING. Even if your internal critic keeps spitting in your face and nagging at your ears, he can’t stop your determination unless you let him. Shrug, yell back, pluck at his eyebrows, ignore him, do whatever you need as long as you make sure of one thing – and that’s to just DO something. Cupcakes = Life Heather Cupcakes P.S. The photo is of Dollop's Ultimate Dude frosting on a banana. Get your minds out of the gutter. Photo courtesy of the AHMAZING Walter Colley. Seriously, this dude is the Ultimate shit.

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