Goodbye, Good Riddance, And Thank You, 2013

December 31, 2013

Remember 90 days ago when I started The 90-Day Do Something Big Project? It’s ok; I’ve tried to forget about it too. You can read about at the link above but the gist of it is that 90 days ago I set a goal to make something “big” happen by the end of the year. And here we finally are, at the end of the year. You know what? Sometimes goals don’t go as planned. Sometimes the “big” that you set your sights on is not the “big” that you wind up finding. I sat at my computer 90 days ago pondering my goals, readying them to be unleashed into the universe, and stressing over what I could accomplish before 2014 began. I had lofty goals of bridging the gap between my dreams and reality. By this very day I wanted to be sitting here with a launched frosting line or a new book proposal or even a contract for my very own television show. But here I sit on the very same couch I sat on 90 days ago, quite possibly wearing the very same orange hoodie, and I have none of those things. Nope. Not one. Sometimes your goals are larger than what you’re ready to receive. Ninety days ago I said to myself, if I don’t achieve these goals by the end of the year, I’m done. I’m done. Just done. I give up, I said. If I can’t make these things happen within 365 days, all of 2013, one whole year, then I’m done. Then it’s not meant to be. I’ll have given it everything I’ve got and if it doesn’t happen, then I’ll need to change course. Give up on my dreams. Get a job. Die inside. The pressure mounted. I imagined how I would live my life if I no longer had a dream I was chasing. How do you continue to feel alive when you’ve already failed at the only dream you’ve ever had? I said with conviction that if I were not closer to my dreams by this very day, I would be done. And yet here I sit, not done. I didn’t achieve those goals I set 90 days ago. Ironically, I think I achieved something much greater. Last week I had a breakdown. A full on mental breakdown. My anxiety was so high with the end of the year nearing that I was struck with constant and severe anxiety attacks. Debilitating. I needed a miracle. And then it struck. In that dirty bottom of anxiety and pain is where I achieved my biggest goal. The goal I didn’t even consciously set. The goal that I desperately needed to achieve. Clarity. Mindfulness. Patience. This year has been a constant struggle for me. I hated 2013 more times than I loved it. I struggled internally with wonder of what I’m meant to be doing. Because deep in my soul, I’ve always felt it to be something big. Introspection is a beautiful thing. And 2013 was flush with it for me. I struggled with let downs, disappointments, and trust—both in myself and in others. And instead of gathering patience, I mounted the pressure. Like an overfilled rubber tire with thinning tread, I was about to burst. But then it happened. In between anxiety attack number 9 and anxiety attack number 10, I found clarity. Clarity in the real lesson that I needed to learn this year. 2013 for me was the year I finally learned to listen to my intuition. Not just sometimes, but every time. Up until this very point, I frequently chose hope and fear, over intuition. When my intuition told me not to hire the consultants for my frosting line, I chose hope and fear. When my intuition told me not to trust that one “friend” again, after the first time I trusted him and he screwed me over, I chose hope and fear. Over and over again, I chose hope and fear. Hope that this time it had to go right. Fear of what would happen if it didn’t. I’ll keep making the same mistake until I learn the lesson. Intuition is like a muscle. The more you work it, the stronger it gets. In the beginning my intuition was very soft. So soft that I wasn’t sure if it was there. I’d have to strain to hear it. And when I think I heard it, I was never really sure. Is it intuition? Fear? Second thoughts? Cold feet? I had to listen harder. I had to make mistakes. I had to ignore it. I had to wait for the hindsight. And then 2013 happened. 2013 was the year that I not only became physically stronger than I’ve ever been in my life, but my intuition became stronger than it’s ever been in my life. In May, when I was looking for a new apartment and I stepped foot in this house I sit in right now—I just knew. In June was I was looking for a new car and I spotted the mint green Fiat—I just knew. In August when I was looking around at animal shelters and I set my eyes on Donald—I just knew. In November when I auditioned for a new food competition reality show—I just knew. Intuition. It’s a feeling devoid of fear and uncertainty. It’s a deep, deep deep feeling that’s so hard to sense. And when you feel it, it doesn’t mean that you don’t have to work for or fight for what it’s telling you is right. You may have to work harder and fight harder than you’ve ever fought before. But with intuition behind you, it’s a knowing that you’re fighting for what is right. And that is why today; the day I said I was going to quit; I am not. I’m not done with this game yet. I’ve got a good feeling. To 2014: Perseverance, patience, and intuition. And throughout it all, to being real

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